How do you say goodbye?

It's been a long time since I took time to write on my blog. There are many reasons, but the biggest one? I lost my son Clint McKell 15 months ago. Feb 3, 2011. The worst day of my life. Losing a child is something that if you have not experienced, is not warrented or would I want that for anyone. I wrote about Clint in my last post. I wrote about taking him to the Phantom of the Opera before he went on his mission. The day the world stopped for me was a bright cold, sunny Feb morning. I got a phone call no mother should ever receive. My beautiful boy was gone. All I remember was falling to the floor screaming.. screaming - I couldn't stop screaming. I don't remember much of that morning, other than my husband wasn't home, and my daughter in law was with me. She is the one that started calling people together. Slowley and quietly they gathered, shocked, stunned, in tears. I was an absolute mess. I don't remember calling Vinny - until later that day - but I guess I did - and he told me later that he never wanted to hear me cry like that again. Just writing this is hard. I have tears. It is so hard to talk about that day. But my grief - even after 15 months is just still very fresh. Because of his death however, I want to be an advocate for Drug abuse. Clint had some deomons in his life, and if I can save ONE PERSON from going through what he did, then I could be somewhat happy. Clint was our "golden child". He had everything. He was so talented... so wonderful. But he hurt his neck on his mission - and playing football - for which he had a full ride scholarship. He started to lose everything. His scholarship - his jobs, (RN) and finally - his marriage. We moved back from the east coast.....and saw him go to jail, we saw him go through drug court, we saw him actually live at the Salvation Army - and get sober. Such a great day. He was sober..something I never in my life would actually say my family had been through. At any rate - he was an up and coming comedian in Utah - and was doing so great. He missed his own first headlining show, at WISE GUYS - Trolley Square. Five days later, he was dead. I still don't know all the details of that night - I have so many questions. The autopsy left us with more quesitons than answers. But - I am happy to say that I did see him 2 days before his death, and he hugged me to death. He told me I was his best friend, and had always been there for him. The night before he passed - he repeated that. He was happy, upbeat, so HAPPY. And then - he was gone. Yes - life this past 15 years have been so hard. What I HAVE learned from this - is there are a lot of mothers out there that have lost children, and people are so so ready to be there for you. I have been let into many circles of Moms that have lost kids, and people who have been in my shoes. I honestly didn't know drug abuse like this was so prevelent. I have learned a lot from this experience. More than I ever wanted too. But in this journey, I have also met some incredible people that have declared that will dedicate their lives to sobriety for Clint. I still hurt. I always will. I think about him EVERY SINGLE DAY. No mom should have to bury their child. But I know so many of you have. I thank all who were there for me, and who still are. You don't know how much that means to me. I am hurting. I will hurt. But I am grateful for the knowledge that families are forever, and I WILL see my son again someday. I know he is free of his demons. The living are left with the hurt. If you are in a situation like this - or know someone who has been or is... feel free to contact me. Let's fight this terrible disease that invades and permeates homes, families, and communities. This is dedicated to you son. My beautiful boy, Clint McKell. I will post a pic of him later.

It's been a long time since I took time to write on my blog. There are many reasons, but the biggest one? I lost my son Clint McKell 15 months ago. Feb 3, 2011. The worst day of my life. Losing a child is something that if you have not experienced, is not warrented or would I want that for anyone. I wrote about Clint in my last post. I wrote about taking him to the Phantom of the Opera before he went on his mission. The day the world stopped for me was a bright cold, sunny Feb morning. I got a phone call no mother should ever receive. My beautiful boy was gone. All I remember was falling to the floor screaming.. screaming - I couldn't stop screaming. I don't remember much of that morning, other than my husband wasn't home, and my daughter in law was with me. She is the one that started calling people together. Slowley and quietly they gathered, shocked, stunned, in tears. I was an absolute mess. I don't remember calling Vinny - until later that day - but I guess I did - and he told me later that he never wanted to hear me cry like that again. Just writing this is hard. I have tears. It is so hard to talk about that day. But my grief - even after 15 months is just still very fresh. Because of his death however, I want to be an advocate for Drug abuse. Clint had some deomons in his life, and if I can save ONE PERSON from going through what he did, then I could be somewhat happy. Clint was our "golden child". He had everything. He was so talented... so wonderful. But he hurt his neck on his mission - and playing football - for which he had a full ride scholarship. He started to lose everything. His scholarship - his jobs, (RN) and finally - his marriage. We moved back from the east coast.....and saw him go to jail, we saw him go through drug court, we saw him actually live at the Salvation Army - and get sober. Such a great day. He was sober..something I never in my life would actually say my family had been through. At any rate - he was an up and coming comedian in Utah - and was doing so great. He missed his own first headlining show, at WISE GUYS - Trolley Square. Five days later, he was dead. I still don't know all the details of that night - I have so many questions. The autopsy left us with more quesitons than answers. But - I am happy to say that I did see him 2 days before his death, and he hugged me to death. He told me I was his best friend, and had always been there for him. The night before he passed - he repeated that. He was happy, upbeat, so HAPPY. And then - he was gone. Yes - life this past 15 years have been so hard. What I HAVE learned from this - is there are a lot of mothers out there that have lost children, and people are so so ready to be there for you. I have been let into many circles of Moms that have lost kids, and people who have been in my shoes. I honestly didn't know drug abuse like this was so prevelent. I have learned a lot from this experience. More than I ever wanted too. But in this journey, I have also met some incredible people that have declared that will dedicate their lives to sobriety for Clint. I still hurt. I always will. I think about him EVERY SINGLE DAY. No mom should have to bury their child. But I know so many of you have. I thank all who were there for me, and who still are. You don't know how much that means to me. I am hurting. I will hurt. But I am grateful for the knowledge that families are forever, and I WILL see my son again someday. I know he is free of his demons. The living are left with the hurt. If you are in a situation like this - or know someone who has been or is... feel free to contact me. Let's fight this terrible disease that invades and permeates homes, families, and communities. This is dedicated to you son. My beautiful boy, Clint McKell. I will post a pic of him later.